Sunday, August 14, 2011
Sweet Baby Lucy,
I feel you moving inside me. You squirm and push, and I wonder... is that a foot? Is it your tiny rear end poking into my ribs? Or could it be your arm? Are you head down now? At 36 weeks, I am sure it is getting tighter in there, and you have less room to kick but plenty of room for squirming. I can see your movements... you are getting so big! One night last week, your daddy fell asleep to the feeling of your squirming against his arm.
How blessed I am to feel you moving! It is the most special feeling in the world of which I know. Of any feeling experienced, this one is the most amazing. And it is fleeting... one day soon, I will be empty inside and no longer feeling your movements. Then, I will be feeling and seeing them on the outside, also amazing to behold. But there is something very different and sacred about the feeling of movement from the inside: I'm the only person in the world who will ever feel your movements in this way. Think about how amazing that is! And each push, shift, twitch, and jab makes me smile contentedly at the reminder of your presence within me.
I know you have to come out. And of course, I am eager to hold you in my arms! Still, there will be a bit of sadness as I miss the feeling of life within me. Will I ever feel it again? No mother can ever be totally sure if she will get to experience the miracle of life in this way again... it is up to God. Being in this season of life, the child-bearing years, I want to savor and embrace these movements, knowing that they will be gone from me far too quickly.
Sweet baby, enjoy your time here inside me. Enjoy the undisturbed space, the safety and security of being in such a controlled environment. You have warmth, you have food, you have what you need to finish growing, all regulated in a controlled way. Do you feel the occasional tightening, readying you for birth? Do you sense that something is going to change soon? If you could rationalize, would you want to leave that safe space at all? I can assure you that although the world is not as peaceful on the outside, I will do what I can for you to make your transition here as smooth as possible. I will do my best to give you warmth, food, comfort, love. Life will be different once you are no longer within me, but not terribly so. I will give you my presence and physical contact as long as you need it, and, although you wouldn't believe it now, one day you won't feel the need to be touching me constantly. You will grow so quickly! I want to feel your presence against me and savor it rather than wish it away. These feelings of your movement from within are only the beginning, and that knowledge will make it beautiful for me to have you here in my arms rather than in my womb.
Is it silly for me to wish I could always feel a baby's presence, moving inside me? Maybe so. But it is a feeling that brings such joy and contentedness. What a privilege and a blessing to be able to take part in the miracle of life in this way!