Assorted Thoughts on Motherhood, Large Families, and Culture

***I began writing this before Christmas, in small bits here and there.  It's a collection of thoughts on just one reason why we may not have as many large families as in days past, and how mothering is difficult, but we can do it with trust in God.***

The problem with mothering little ones in our culture is the lack of help we get: real, hands-on, present help.


I am going to try not to make this a complaining post.  This is the way things are in our culture, and I know I've gone on and on before about how we are social creatures who do best when working and living in close communities in which we have the help, support, and examples of various extended family members and friends spanning the generations.  In times past, and still today in other cultures, mothers learned to nurse their babies from their mothers and aunts, their older sisters... People shared the work so that new mothers could tend to their babies.  Women all shared in the chores and child care, and children of all ages were present for other children to play with and learn from (rather than having just one or two siblings around at most and seeking entertainment from their parents).  This is what is so appealing to me about having a large family: varied ages of children who can learn from each other, help each other, and entertain each other with various creative pursuits.  What a joy for them to never be lonely!


But... having a large family, particularly in the early years when all the children are younger, is not easy in the way we live!


I need to clarify at this point that I am not referring to my own family as "big."  Sure, we might be big compared to families with one child, but in my opinion, we're not "big" with three children.


But in the experience I am having now, where it is difficult based on the way we live to raise even three children, I know it must be harder still when there are four kids, or five, or more... at least until the oldest ones are ten or older, and maybe until the youngest is two.  Having a large family is beautiful: think of the friendships formed between siblings, the parents who in their old age will never be completely alone, the loud family gatherings that will recur year after year on special occasions.  But even though the rewards are great for having a large number of children, getting there in our culture is TOUGH!  And it's a real shame... no, it's a tragedy, actually, that we are deterred from having large families.  Most families stop with two children, spaced relatively closely, because they have little help and just want to get through those early years as quickly as they can and survive it.  My mother, who had four of us, has been asked frequently by young mothers, "Wow, four children - how did you ever manage?  I am pulling my hair out just with two!"  Her answer was, "I just did... what other choice did I have?"  And that's true - if you have children, you just do it - just manage life the best you can.  And I imagine that is what has led to so many modern ideas: sleep-training babies to make them "independent" because it is hard to manage everything alone, playgroups and various scheduled activities so kids (and their parents!) won't be lonely, institutions for learning which separate the family unit for most of their waking hours... these things exist in part to fill our biological need for community, for contact with other humans, with help in raising our children.  So when parents make decisions that go against what has become the cultural norm (biological mothering of infants, homeschooling, less structured children's activities so kids don't become over-scheduled), then we have even less help and more time in which we are caring for our children.  Fortunately there are still support networks (La Leche League, homeschooling groups, friends with common family choices/family life)... but just like mothers of only one child who goes to "school" at the age of 2 months, mothers of many who homeschool face the same challenge: much of it is done alone, without the communal support for which we were designed.  Parents have to find modified, almost contrived, communities, where we hire babysitters, mother's helpers, postpartum doulas, because we don't have a few grandmas and sisters and cousins around who just naturally fill in the spaces when another woman in the family has a new baby.


So is it any wonder many women say "enough is enough!" after merely one or two babies, being so glad to be out of the "baby years" and the responsibilities that come with that time?  Is it any wonder there are less large families lately?  What a shame!  What a shame to miss out on the rewards of a large family to comfort you in your old age because getting through the early years with babies and toddlers was too much to continue to bear!  But what else are we to do?  What can we do, really?  Just keep on keeping on, because there is no other choice, particularly for most families who cannot afford a postpartum doula or a nanny and don't have family living in the same town.


For some reason, I made up some imaginary scenario in my mind that I'd have more help this time around.  Who was I kidding?  I had the most help when Caroline was born and progressively less with each child (although I had several sweet friends bring meals this time, which was very much appreciated!).  I guess I was being idealistic, but in reality, my own mother works as a preschool director, so she can't just come help any time.  And my parents are our closest relatives geographically, but even that is over an hour away.  We have no extended family living in our town.  And my friends all have lots of small children themselves to teach and care for.  So I guess it was just wishful thinking, because in reality moms could use more help once they have multiple children, particularly when homeschooling, but usually they get less with each baby... my children aren't gone every day by age five, and homeschooling them requires my daily involvement while also caring for the baby and managing basic daily functioning like feeding the kids lunch and keeping the dirty dishes under some level of control (thank God for my husband's willingness to take on most of the housework especially in the first 6-12 months with a baby!).


People may read this and think, "Well, you don't have to homeschool, and you don't have to hold your baby all the time."  True, I don't have to.  I could send Caroline to the nearby public school, enroll Cecilia in some kind of daily preschool, and let the baby cry it out.  Maybe that would make life easier.  But it would make our family less connected, so I'm not going to do it.  I see what does make people resort to leaving babies to cry themselves to sleep: the lack of help, the isolation, the need to just go use the toilet for five minutes without a baby in one arm and kids arguing outside the door!  But babies are life, and I am not going to teach my older children to respect life (innocent, helpless life!) by putting the baby aside because I'm too tired or overwhelmed.  Society is not set up to help me in this style of living, but oh well.  Still I must forge ahead, and if I don't have anybody else to help me feed the kids lunch, then I just have to do it with the one hand I have free while holding the nursing baby with the other.


So the first 12-18 months with a new baby is full of conflicting emotions.  I love my babies, I love holding them, nursing them, watching them fall asleep and wake up, stroking their soft fuzzy hair on their perfectly rounded little heads, watching them learn about the world and master new tasks.  But I feel the pull of societal expectations: to accomplish various other tasks throughout the day.  Truthfully, homeschooling takes up the morning, with various diaper-changing intermissions and such.  Then is rest/nap time after lunch.  After that, I like the kids to get outside time, and while they are probably getting close, they aren't quite old enough to be sent to play outside alone, so I have to be out with them, preventing me from doing chores or dinner prep in the house.  I bring them in before they've had enough outdoor time to prep dinner and then, dinner and bedtime stuff, and the day is over.  I could do chores after they're in bed, but the baby... the baby sleeps on me throughout the evening, and only if I am sitting still.  No, I can't lay her down; I can never lay sleeping babies down and have them stay asleep.  I tried and tried (and cried and felt like a failure) with my first baby and decided it wasn't worth the stress, so I haven't tried as much with the next two. I'm much less stressed this way, but I'm limited in what I can feasibly accomplish.  Some people may call this lazy, not putting the baby down and that it's my job to "train" her... or people will say "You just have to lay them down every time they fall asleep from the beginning to make them stay asleep on their own," but holding a sleeping baby is one of life's greatest joys and it would be such a shame to miss out on that!  But while I know from two previous experiences that I won't ruin her by not trying to force her to sleep alone as a baby, I do feel that "lazy" word creeping in... that I could get more done, that I should do more housework, that people might think I don't deserve any help anyway because I'm lazy...  but really, I think all moms need help and support, physically and emotionally, and we just don't get much in our isolated way of living.  We resort to the internet for some of our support, but that can never replace real people in the flesh.


What prompted me to start writing this a month ago is this: my baby was not gaining adequate weight.  I have nursed both other babies with no problems as to weight gain, and I have had training in breastfeeding support, so I should know what I'm doing.  Apparently I really hadn't been feeding her enough.  Apparently I needed to be more lazy, and sit down to encourage her to nurse more often.  I brainstormed with a lactation consultant who was doing weight checks for Lucy, and after trying a few things, her weight gain has now been brought up to the very bottom of what ould be considered a "normal" range (update: weight gain is slower again after being checked today, but at least the pediatrician doesn't think there's a problem... she can hopefully glide right along that 3rd percentile curve... I'm still concerned being so close to falling off the bottom of the chart, so I'll remain vigilant about lots of nursing and taking herbs to boost milk supply).  The lactation consultant told me not to feel like an idiot: I am just trying to take care of two older kids and homeschool one of them.  That's time consuming.  I have to complete 180 days of school, and so the pressure is there.  But I have to make sure my baby is getting enough calories.  We did more laid-back schooling during Advent with lots of read-alouds as our school time.  Maybe it wouldn't count in a public school, but it's going to have to be "good enough," and I can confidently say that my daughter is well head of most of her public school peers.  Plus, she is learning how to nurture a baby.  And she is getting to be so good with Lucy!  I imagine in large families there gets to be a tipping point where there are kids old enough to really be a big help: preteens and older who can really help with cooking, childcare, even helping younger ones with their schoolwork... but how to handle it until you get to that point?


So if somebody who knows her stuff regarding breastfeeding can still end up with her baby not gaining enough weight, then perhaps she has a lot on her plate.  Either that, or she's just really bad at multitasking, although I did simultaneously nurse a baby and place an order at Chick-fil-A just last week.   Even when she has an awesome husband who does nearly all of the housework.  And since she's female, she feels a little guilty for not touching the broom more than three times since the baby's birth while trying to homeschool the six year old, even though clearly the baby's need for more calories trumps the sweeping.  Oh, and there's a middle child in there too who needs her rear end wiped and to be attended to in other ways here and there... she doesn't ask for much, that sweet easygoing little one.  It's just the little things that happen that can end up with the baby not nursing enough... me trying to eat a bowl of oatmeal, being called to the bathroom by the aforementioned child, deciding to rinse off the dishes so food won't be hardened to them later when I come back to actually wash them, checking weather and gathering coats to go outside and then realizing that it's really too cold out there for the poor baby anyway, but how else to get the kids some outside time?  Oh, the day when I can turn them all loose outside alone and stay inside cleaning something instead of going out with them... then I might feel a bit more accomplished.


So, back to the thoughts on large families... how I'd love to have more children!  But how I also dread the inability to do much around the house, the lack of help (on weekdays, that is... my husband is awesome when he's home, and he shouldn't have to do all the housework on his days off, the weekends!), the inability to drive five minutes without a crying baby from the back seat.  The fact that my three or six year old complains of a hangnail and I'm appalled to see their super-long, curved-down toenails, evidence of the few months it's been since I got around to cutting them.  Heck, I finally cut my own toenails the other day for the first time since, hmm, a few months?  I think I have swept three times since Lucy's birth.  So I can see why people sometimes feel a need to get past these years - but I am so thankful to the families out there who persevere despite the difficulties of raising many children with little help, the families who refuse to say, "Oh, we're done, thank goodness!"  They are inspiring to me, and they show that there are things more important than just being comfortable and "done" with babyhood.  What could be more beautiful than the creation of a new soul?  As hard as it is, as much as our society isn't set up to encourage us (in fact, society goes against us - have you heard of doctors encouraging newly-postpartum women to get their tubes tied?  Totally unethical to push that to somebody in a vulnerable time!)... continuing to raise babies leads us to a future without loneliness, but it is a sacrifice when caring for a helpless child constantly.


I just came across a post at Practicing Mammal the other day, one describing the reasons for the Church's teachings against contraception and regarding use of NFP.  It is absolutely correct that the natural mothering of babies is a form of natural family planning, as it tends to give some length of natural child spacing.  But reading it got me thinking, as I have been composing this post over several different days: is lack of help a serious or grave reason for avoiding pregnancy?  Seeing as humans have not always lived in such isolation, we are social creatures, then I'd say perhaps it is a grave reason.  But then again, time with an infant is fleeting.  Those first 18 months are really the most intense for me, the months when I feel like I can't accomplish much else, but they do pass.  However, repeating them for each child adds up... with three children, it will be a total of four and a half years of the most intense months.  Add a fourth child and we get to six years, and so on.  In those years, things like driving my kids an hour to a museum won't happen, because all my babies (so far) have hated the carseat.  Not that my children need to go to museums and such to learn and have fun, but it's nice to do it sometimes.  It seems like when we get to the point that we can actually have an enjoyable long car ride, then having a new baby feels like going back to square one.  Again, modern living with cars as necessities since we are so far-flung from each other... a present day problem.  A first-world problem, perhaps?  Living in a third-world country, I assume one would be near relatives to help - but of course, they would have other problems to deal with.  Another first world problem: the I HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF AND AM OVERWHELMED BY IT syndrome.  This syndrome gets worse after December and makes me seriously consider implementing the Flanders family's "Imagination Christmas."  [Sorry, can't seem to find a clip of that on Youtube for those of you who are unfamiliar with The Simpsons 15 years ago]  But where does all the stuff come from?    Why does every single person my child encounters - the neighbors, the dentist, the old lady at church - feel the need to give them stuff??  Now I'm just sounding ungrateful.  But the management of clutter overwhelms me, personally.  My three year old had 34 short sleeved shirts last summer - no kidding.  We rotate toys, but that in and of itself requires management.  And I will readily admit that I have willingly obtained far too many picture frames all by myself, making dusting a nightmare.  I would love to simplify, and I often clean out and make donations, but when there's a baby, it doesn't happen.  I think the reason this overwhelms me so is that as a homeschooler, there is a certain amount of stuff I need to already have in my home that others would never have, because it would be in their children's classrooms instead.  So I'm already starting out with more necessary stuff in the first place.  I can't imagine if I had a son where I'd store the boy clothes... no more room!  We're going to try those "vacuum out the air" storage bags for clothes that supposedly make things 1/4th of their original size...  sorry, just rambling here, but I will get to an actual point.


So perhaps human difficulties are inevitable, because persevering through struggles for God's glory only makes us stronger and gives purpose to life.  Maybe the giving of ourselves to raise these helpless babies is part of our path to Heaven.  Not maybe, but certainly.  Life isn't about individual happiness, but about helping each other get to Heaven.


And we teach our older kids the valuable lesson that those who are helpless deserve compassion and help and love.  My older children are seeing how I care for the baby around the clock, constantly, and they are internalizing this.  If she starts to fuss and I'm not holding her, they immediately say, "Mommy, Lucy needs you!"  And you know what?  Even though I am holding her almost all the time, there has been no jealousy of the baby.  There wasn't any with Caroline when Cecilia was the baby, either.  Maybe it's just the spacing between them, but maybe it is also because their needs were met so continuously as infants and young toddlers that their cups were full.  They are learning that living in a family is about putting the needs of others before yourself particularly when the one with the needs is helpless to help herself.


So, regardless of how difficult it is to continue having babies with very little help, or how our society views babies and large families... it is worth it, it will certainly pay off down the road, it will eventually get easier (not that raising all teenagers is going to be "easy," I am sure - but different from having helpless babies screaming as soon as they realize you are in the vicinity of The Evil and Dreaded Car Seat or who instantly start rolling towards the space you dared to leave when you moved away from their warm sleeping little selves, for instance).


Something that I need to always keep in mind is this poem, and I hope other mothers do, too, whether they have just one baby with no hopes of any more or if they are on their fifth baby while just in the middle of their childbearing years:

Mother, O' Mother, come shake out your cloth,

Empty the dustpan, poison the moth.

Hang out the washing, make up the bed,

Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?

She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,

Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.

Dishes are waiting and bills are past due,

Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek - peekaboo.

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew,

And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo.

But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.

Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?

Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,

But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

~ Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

Our babies, no matter how many we have and how many years their baby-hoods span, are only this little once.  Whether or not we have little outside help, over many babies and many years, one day we will be 70 year old grey haired ladies sitting in quiet cars, actually hearing no cries from the back seat as we drive to the gas station.  That will be nice, but it will also be sad not having little ones to cuddle.  So the best we can do is to enjoy it.  Try to be as intensely wrapped up in the mothering of our babies as we can, even if that means that the dishes pile up, the too-big and too-small kids' clothing remains homeless in the middle of the guest room, and the schooling for the day was read-alouds, "science time (aka playing in the backyard)," and home ec (kids helping with diaper changes and making sandwiches for lunch).  It will just have to be Good Enough. Babies can't wait, even if we live in a society set up against us in that way.  We can't do all things, so we need to drop most of it when we don't have extra help around and just take care of the babies.


Because God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  And sacrificial love for our babies is, I'm sure, pleasing to God.  


A special thank you to mothers of bigger families who parent in the attachment style.  It is inspiring to see you doing what you do and gives me hope. :)


**Update: Just came across this great and timely article: To the Mother Who Only Has One Child.  Check it out; it's much less long-winded than me!


I also meant to mention in this post the idea another Catholic mom shared once many years ago... wouldn't it be great if there were an order of nuns who came to live with young families and helped them out?  That would be perfect!

Lucy's (Accidental Home) Birth

Lucy Marie has a birth story that has no photos of labor, the birth, or immediately after the birth, unlike my first two babies. Each labor and birth has certainly been different. This one needs to be written before I forget the details since I don't have immediate photos! This birth is also the one for which I feel the most gratitude to God for a safe and smooth delivery. I'm so thankful for the loving support of my husband and for his quick thinking and calm demeanor - without him, I don't know that I could have done this on my own! I am very fortunate that all my labors have been uncomplicated thus far, but in this one, it was certainly an important factor since Lucy was inadvertently born here at home!

For those who know me well, you may have known that I did desire a homebirth, just to avoid hospital interventions and because my first two births went so smoothly. Cecilia was needlessly separated from me for a few hours after her birth, and I very much wanted to avoid that happening again! However, I would only consider a homebirth with a midwife I trusted, one who had lots of experience and who I had heard good things about from friends. Well, do you know what a homebirth midwife who fits that description costs? $3000! Insurance doesn't cover a cent of it since it is technically illegal to be a homebirth midwife in the state of Georgia. A hospital birth, on the other hand, costs $750 for labor and delivery on our insurance plan, and the hospital stay costs have come out around maybe $500 for the first two births. So, I resigned myself to a third hospital birth, reassured by Chris's reminders that my first two labors went smoothly and that we could likely avoid most interventions this time as well. I certainly would not plan to have an unattended homebirth... even with no complications during pregnancy, I wanted to have somebody there who'd had plenty of experience attending many births and who could help if any problems did arise. So I certainly did not intend for Lucy to be born with only my husband, my mother, and our older children in the house!

Labor began around 6:20 that morning with strong but very tolerable contractions about every ten minutes. I waited until just after 7:00 before calling my mom to tell her that it seemed like real labor, so she could come on up to be with the girls while labor got harder and then when we went to the hospital. Chris made our breakfast, and I ate a fried egg and some toast with strawberry jelly. I spilled some runny egg yolk on my placemat... just a random tidbit in the story. I found myself having to pause with the contractions through breakfast and put my head down and stop talking. The contractions began coming closer together at this time, too. After breakfast, I laid down for awhile to see if they would keep coming at the same rate... and they slowed down. They began coming every ten, sometimes every twelve minutes apart. So we decided at this point that we didn't need to take the girls to the neighbors' house and could wait for my mom to arrive.

Once my mom got here around 10:00, Chris encouraged me to get up since the contractions were not getting any closer together after an hour of laying still. They were getting harder to get through because they were long - a minute and a half and more - but still ten minutes apart. So I got up and walked to the living room with Chris's help. The contractions started coming much closer together... about every four to six minutes. However, they were shorter now... still intense, but lasting only 40 seconds to a minute each. After an hour of being up, I laid down again, thinking that if they kept coming then we'd be leaving for the hospital. But again, they slowed to coming every nine to ten minutes.. I only had seven contractions over the entire 11:00 hour. They were longer again, some around two minutes, and I was entering into the mindset of not being able to endure any more... they were extremely painful at this point and difficult to relax through. I wanted to go to the hospital, but Chris reminded me that the contractions were coming pretty far apart still and we didn't want to go too early. My water hadn't broken, and I needed to get back up so labor could progress and then we could go. My mind was confused... I had the head knowledge that when contractions are coming ten minutes apart, then it's too early... but then why was I feeling like giving up and that I couldn't do this any more (which is an emotional sign that you're getting toward the end)? I was really discouraged that the contractions were spaced out so far, because it seemed like a lot of pain for little progress (oh, but little did I know!). Chris had been wiping my forehead with a cool wet washcloth between contractions, as I was feeling very warm with some of them. I knew I should get up to help things along, but I was actually resting and dozing between contractions and was hesitant to move. Never did I express the desire to just stay home, which many women say when they are going through the hardest part of labor, shortly before the pushing stage of labor... but looking back, maybe this reluctance to move was a sign.

Our contraction log book... same notebook Chris used to record things during Cecilia's labor. He got it at a conference for work, and other than that, I think we've only used it for recording labor contractions!

Once I did get up shortly after noon, contractions began coming closer together again, and they were shorter again as well... most were now lasting around a minute each. They were getting to be around every five minutes apart. I was sitting up on the edge of the bed and leaning back on Chris, who was sitting behind me to support me as I tried to relax and melt back into his arms with each contraction... relaxing my body was very difficult at this point. Chris had gotten me some peanut butter crackers and was encouraging me to eat some and take sips of water... During Caroline's labor, I didn't want to eat hardly anything, and since it was a long labor, I didn't have much energy by the end and even blacked out briefly when I first stood up after her birth. We wanted to avoid that again! So I ate and sipped between contractions, and my mom was making macaroni and cheese for the girls. She was making enough for Chris and herself as well so he could eat something before we left for the hospital.

So, having been through Bradley Method childbirth classes before Caroline's birth (and having reviewed our books and materials over the past few weeks), we knew the things we should be looking for in deciding when to leave for the hospital. These classes are very thorough, lasting 12 weeks, and they are also referred to as "husband-coached childbirth," involving the husbands in aiding their wives through labor. We knew we were seeing some of the signs: the self-doubt I was expressing, for instance. However, another suggestion is to wait for 4-1-1: contractions every four minutes, lasting at least one minute each, and coming consistently for an hour. We'd almost met that before when they were coming about every five minutes, until I laid down and they spaced back out. In any event, I hoped that we were getting close!

Our childbirth books which we'd been reviewing over the past few weeks... such a good thing to have had this kind of information and a husband who was willing and able to be involved to this degree! Chris has been instrumental in each one of our babies' births.

After about 45 minutes, Chris reminded me to use the bathroom - one of the many jobs of the labor coach, as it is an important thing to do! And, as other moms who have done this before may be able to relate, the position when sitting on a toilet can help labor to progress since it helps to open up the pelvis.

Well, my pelvis had apparently already opened up... so that's why those last few contractions while sitting up in bed were being felt down through my outer thighs, I realize in retrospect (at the time, all I could say was, "These are weird, Chris, my legs are hurting and it doesn't feel right!"). After a few contractions while on the toilet, I broke down and said, "I'm so scared we're not going to make it to the hospital!" Chris says it was just about this time he was thinking we needed to leave. Our bag was already packed, of course (had been for two weeks!) and we just needed to put my wallet and phone in, along with the white noise machine (in an attempt to get some rest in the hospital - ha!). Since my water hadn't broken, I think we both thought I was still going through transition and had a bit more time. Often there is also a pause of many minutes between labor contractions and pushing contractions. But suddenly, I felt the urge to push and told Chris. He was saying for me to get up so we could leave, but I said I was going to give a small push (this may be too much information for some, but if you are a woman who has given birth, you probably remember that the urge to push in labor feels similar to pushing when using the toilet, and so my giving a small push was hoping to be able to get anything out before getting off the toilet!). With the small push I gave, I knew it was an actual pushing urge because I began to feel her head ready to emerge, and I said, "The baby's head is there, she's coming!!!" This was the point at which all fear left me and instinct totally kicked in... the baby was going to be born, and we just had to let her come!

The last two crackers in the package from which I was snacking just moments before the birth.

So Chris had me stand up and he could tell the baby's head was right there too... as I stood up, I remember grabbing and pulling up on the toilet paper roll and towel rod, both of which I pulled off the wall... I had actually done that to the towel rod a few times already by using it to support myself with my back pain during pregnancy! Chris said I had planted my feet and wasn't able to move, and apparently I cried out, "I can't walk!" Chris had gotten me up so the baby wouldn't be born in the toilet, but his next step was to get me into an actual pushing position so I wasn't just standing in the bathroom. As I took a couple steps into our bedroom, I felt the totally uncontrollable urge to push, and as I got down on my hands and knees, I could feel the baby's head crowning and the instant relief that came with it as I gave an effortless push. As I got down on the floor, I grabbed the comforter from the foot of our bed and pulled it down under my chest and between my legs so there was something other than the rug and hardwood floor... of course, Chris was behind me ready to catch the baby, but having the comforter there gave some padding in case it was needed (and ended up being great for me to sit back on after she was born).

Lucy's birthplace... right there in front of the vent, pretty much.

My mom heard that something was up by this point and came down the hall to see what was going on... she looked in and Chris called to her, "The baby's coming," and I added, "Call 911!" Her response as she rushed back down the hall was, "I told you not to wait too long!!!" Yes, wasn't that what everybody had been telling us, including ourselves? So I pushed Lucy's head out (she was facing my left leg, away from Chris, who was on the right side of me), and one more push after that and she was out - in an intact bag of waters, of course, since the water never broke. This is a relatively rare occurrence and surprised me: the water broke with Caroline while I was pushing (but I pushed for almost an hour and a half with her), and it broke early on with Cecilia, kickstarting my short period of active labor before pushing for about 20 minutes to get her out. This time, pushing lasted about two minutes! And I think I only pushed four times, one of which was a weak "practice" push.

Chris was holding Lucy still in the bag of waters, looking to see if there was a spot where it had begun to tear. He said it was like a balloon stretched around her, and the amniotic fluid was down in the bottom of it as he held her. My mom was in the doorway on the phone with 911, and after giving them our address, she asked, "Is she breathing?" I had felt such relief at pushing her out that I felt no worry, but then I started asking, "Is she okay???" I think Chris asked if he should be breaking the water, and my mom said, "Yes," and the next thing I knew, Chris was passing a sputtering baby under me and up onto my chest as I leaned back. She was making little coughing sounds as she took her first breaths... Chris had pulled the sac off and had tilted her upside down and tapped her back, and she began breathing. She was totally covered in vernix, which I began rubbing into her skin as I held her close to warm her. My mom brought a couple towels to drape over her to keep her warm and dry her on me. She was crying a bit, not loudly, but in a way that we knew her breathing was fine. At the moment I held her and heard the snuffling noises, I knew everything was okay. The paramedics arrived just a few minutes after she was born... two ambulances and five paramedics had come because they had all been just down the street eating at a local buffet restaurant! The apparently told the restaurant staff, "Don't worry, we'll come back and eat when we're done!"

Caroline and Cecilia had been eating lunch while all this happened, my mom later told me. She said they were wondering about what was going on, so she told them to just wait in the living room... then she had them go out on the porch and wait for the ambulance and wave when they saw it coming, which they enjoyed doing, apparently.

The cord had stopped pulsing, so one of the paramedics clamped it, and Chris cut it with a knife-like tool which they had. They helped dry her a bit more and then helped me stand up with Lucy and get onto a stretcher they had brought into the hallway. Another warning about semi-graphic childbirth details here... it sure feels weird to walk with an umbillical cord hanging out of you! I didn't look back at the comforter... all I'd seen was a spot of blood on the wall which must have been on Chris's hand or something. But my mom's later words to me as I talked on the phone to her from the hospital were, "Erin, that comforter is shot. I'm buying you a new one!"

I had the presence of mind to ask somebody to grab a hat for Lucy as we were headed down the hall. Chris found the Pooh Bear hat I described and we put it on her head to help keep her warm. Caroline and Cecilia had been down the hall the whole time, and I got to see them briefly and say that the baby just came so fast, and that we'd be going to the hospital so we could get checked out. The girls got a brief glimpse of their baby sister and said hi to her. After we left, my mom said Caroline got upset and was crying that the baby didn't wait until we went to the hospital... she likes things to happen in the way we are expecting them to happen. Cecilia, on the other hand, simply said, "But she just came too fast!"

Lucy gets checked out by the nurses and NICU staff right there next to me in the labor and delivery room.

So Lucy got to take her first car ride at about 15-ish minutes old in the back of an ambulance on my chest, covered up and making her first attempts at nursing. Chris grabbed our bag and last few things we needed and rode up front. The paramedics helped me keep blankets over Lucy... they'd swapped out the wet towels in our house for some blankets. They also put a huge piece of foil over the blankets to help insulate her. We even had the siren on and everything... Chris said at one point they hit 60 mph on our 40 mph main road to the hospital! There was no emergency, but I guess they just wanted to get us there quickly just in case (and because they wanted to go back to lunch, maybe? ;).

They took us in through the emergency entrance and up to maternity, where they'd been having a quiet day despite the fact that it was a Monday and there would be a full moon that night! We went straight down the hall into a labor and delivery room, where they could check us out. They checked Lucy's vitals while she was still on me... we'd done a good job keeping her warm because her temp was 97.5. I had been rubbing her feet under the blankets the whole ride to the hospital. She had looked a little purple at birth and had pinked up nicely on the ride, but she began looking a little purple again, and her oxygenation levels were slightly low, so they put her under a warmer in the room there with us and checked her out, gave her a brief breath of oxygen, and she was back on my chest after about ten or so minutes of them checking her out. All done in the room... the hospital has made some great changes to do as much as possible in the rooms and to keep mothers and babies together. I was very impressed with how they did this! They didn't even weigh her yet at this point... they said they could do it - in the room - whenever we were ready. Lucy was nursing again, so we waited until she had gotten a good long time on me before checking her weight and length: 7 lbs. 7.2 oz. and 20.5 inches long. By this time we had looked over her thoroughly and I was commenting on her hair - it appeared to be light brown with maybe a bit of red in it, lighter than our first two babies' hair had been at birth.

Beautiful baby Lucy Marie!

One of the OBs from my practice had come in by this time and was sitting around waiting for the placenta... he joked when he got in the room that he was worn out because he wasn't used to running, ha ha (he's great at making deadpan jokes... when a friend of mine gave birth, he said in a monotone voice as he placed her son in her arms, "Oh, look, it's a baby."). And here's a part that those who are squeamish about blood and birth details may want to skip, so you have been warned... The OB helped with the placenta delivery and then checked me... no tears at all! This is the first time, because I had torn somewhat badly with my first birth (they had said it was a first degree tear but borderline on being 2nd degree), and then it was repaired somewhat badly, and with the second birth we knew it would tear at least slightly in the area where it hadn't been totally repaired. But this time, nothing! Very brief pushing stage on hands and knees seems to be the way to go for me! Chris had said he didn't notice any tearing when she was born, and the doctor was able to confirm that. He said, "Only papercuts," meaning minor abrasions. I must say that this recovery has been so much easier, too. No swelling, only minor irritation rather than pain. Also, for what it's worth, there has been less bleeding this time around... I am now at almost a week since the birth. Of course the uterine contractions which work to shrink the uterus back to its normal size were painful, as they are supposed to be (lets you know they're working right!)... apparently they get a little stronger with each birth. But even those have subsided now. There is just an achy feeling, particularly after I have been laying down all night.

Big sisters meet Lucy for the first time

Another thing which I am sure eased our recovery was the fact that we had gotten sleep the night before! Chris and I went to bed around 11ish and slept until 6:15ish when labor began... with the past births, we'd not gotten much sleep at all, and it really wiped us out compared to this time. It was such a nice change to be in my postpartum room in the hospital a few hours after the birth, looking out the window at a gorgeous, clear blue sky... what a beautiful day to be born, and on the Feast of the Most Holy Name of Mary, from whom Lucy's middle name comes. She was actually born on her due date - imagine that!

Proud sister Caroline!

So, the changes being made in this hospital are great... along with the things I already mentioned, they were switching over to having mother-baby nurses, meaning one nurse for each pair rather than a separate nurse for the baby than the mother. This is brand-new, and so at one point I did have a separate baby nurse coming in every two hours all night to check Lucy's temperature and skin color... and the lab tech came in at 4am saying, "Good morning!" Morning??? Ha! But the nurses were cheerful and helpful, and overall we had a happy stay. But it's almost impossible to get any rest in a hospital, so we were hoping to check out after 24 hours.

Lucy was able to be checked by the pediatrician in the morning - Chris took her to the nursery where they like to do their checks. All looked great with her, and she said we could check out after 1:00 as long as Lucy urinated before then, which she did. The nurses clipped her umbillical stump a little shorter... it was kind of long and had a huge clamp because that's the kind the paramedics carry in the ambulance. So the nurse tied it off with string instead of putting on another clamp since we'd be going home soon.

the whole family!

My mom brought the older girls to visit us later in the afternoon. They stopped at Kroger and got balloons and a beautiful bouquet of flowers. They'd had fun letting Gramma do their hair with new hairbands, and Cecilia told me that Gramma put our comforter in the bathtub to soak... which didn't help, but oh, well! They brought Arby's for Chris, since he hadn't eaten much... although we did break out our snacks as soon as we were in the labor and delivery room getting checked: orange juice, granola bars, crackers (both peanut butter and cheese), and that yummy True North nut cluster trail mix stuff... one of the nurses seemed amused that we'd brought our own snacks! Having only delivered at night before (when no meals are served in the hospital!), we definitely had food ready in our bag! Anyway, my mom brought me an Arby's sandwich as well, even though I got dinner from the hospital food service. Giving birth takes a lot of energy, so I saved my Arby's sandwich for an evening snack, since dinner comes around 5:30 in the hospital. Chris rode back home with my mom to get his car, since he hadn't brought it!

The next day, Gramma and the girls came to visit again, and Grampa and Gran and Grandad came to visit us and meet Lucy too. I took a shower shortly before they came... I waited a long time this time, having read more on birth in recent years. Did you know that when the baby is placed on the mother's abdomen after birth, the amniotic fluid gets on the mother's skin, and the baby is more comfortable there with the familiar smell... and it helps also to postpone the bathing of the infant. So Lucy didn't have a bath in the hospital at all... in fact, we finally bathed her on Saturday here at home, when she was five days old.

Daddy and baby... how lucky he is to have four girls who love him! ;)

Looking back, I am so grateful for a smooth birth and that even though it didn't go according to plan, we are healthy and safe and happy, and we were able to have another natural birth, even if it was in a different way! Baby Lucy was born in an intact bag of waters for a reason, I think: it kept her safe and secure for her speedy arrival into the world, and it kept her umbillical cord where it needed to be. Chris and I had been praying for strength for a good labor and a happy delivery for Lucy, just as we did for our other children while pregnant with them.

I had been reading a book to the older girls during the pregnancy, and Cecilia in particular was fascinated with it. It is called Angel in the Waters and is a beautiful pro-life children's story which tells about the baby growing from the beginning as a teeny baby until the birth, and then beginning life on the outside of the womb. The baby's guardian angel is with him throughout the story, right from conception. The book keeps mentioning that the angel is there in the waters with the baby, and then when labor is occurring, the baby is sad because the waters all left. The baby finds that after being born, his angel is still there with him. I thought it was neat how Lucy kept the waters with her, cushioning her through the delivery, and her guardian angel was right there with her, watching over and protecting her!

I am so grateful for my wonderful husband who helped us through this amazingly - he kept his cool and acted in a way that was perfect, like he knew exactly what to do (and he did!). His calm confidence helped me tremendously. I'm so glad we had both been through intensive childbirth education and that Chris was so involved in it. We'd even learned about preparing for emergency childbirth, and while we'd put towels and blankets in the car "just in case," we hadn't anticipated this! And while I wouldn't recommend planning to do it this way, there is something so incredible about having the man you love single-handedly bringing your child from the womb to the world (well, okay, Lucy and I helped too ;). He brought her out, removed the sac, and helped her take her very first breath of air before placing her on my belly, wet and tiny and snuffling. So in this week after Lucy's birth, I'm just overcome with love for her Daddy each time I look at him and when I see him interacting with his third baby girl. I'm going to cry when he has to go back to work in the morning! Lucy will grow up knowing the story of her birth and be smitten with her Daddy! I think he's going to write his own version of the birth story as well - which is good since I am not always an expert at remembering details! We had a very restful week at home... well, Wednesday through Sunday on our own, getting used to life as a family of five with one being a tiny newborn. We took it easy and just enjoyed all being together, having lunch together on the patio and getting some time in this beautiful weather! Lucy Marie, you picked a great week to be born!

Look at that blue sky beyond our flowers in the hospital postpartum room!

our flowers back at home, gracing our table as a centerpiece for as long as they will last!

Giving my third baby a kiss on her tiny soft head

the girls picked this out for the mailbox!

Lucy with the man we love

Welcome, Lucy Marie! We love you, little miracle! What a precious gift from God!

To Baby Lucy

Sweet Baby Lucy,

I feel you moving inside me. You squirm and push, and I wonder... is that a foot? Is it your tiny rear end poking into my ribs? Or could it be your arm? Are you head down now? At 36 weeks, I am sure it is getting tighter in there, and you have less room to kick but plenty of room for squirming. I can see your movements... you are getting so big! One night last week, your daddy fell asleep to the feeling of your squirming against his arm.

How blessed I am to feel you moving! It is the most special feeling in the world of which I know. Of any feeling experienced, this one is the most amazing. And it is fleeting... one day soon, I will be empty inside and no longer feeling your movements. Then, I will be feeling and seeing them on the outside, also amazing to behold. But there is something very different and sacred about the feeling of movement from the inside: I'm the only person in the world who will ever feel your movements in this way. Think about how amazing that is! And each push, shift, twitch, and jab makes me smile contentedly at the reminder of your presence within me.

I know you have to come out. And of course, I am eager to hold you in my arms! Still, there will be a bit of sadness as I miss the feeling of life within me. Will I ever feel it again? No mother can ever be totally sure if she will get to experience the miracle of life in this way again... it is up to God. Being in this season of life, the child-bearing years, I want to savor and embrace these movements, knowing that they will be gone from me far too quickly.

Sweet baby, enjoy your time here inside me. Enjoy the undisturbed space, the safety and security of being in such a controlled environment. You have warmth, you have food, you have what you need to finish growing, all regulated in a controlled way. Do you feel the occasional tightening, readying you for birth? Do you sense that something is going to change soon? If you could rationalize, would you want to leave that safe space at all? I can assure you that although the world is not as peaceful on the outside, I will do what I can for you to make your transition here as smooth as possible. I will do my best to give you warmth, food, comfort, love. Life will be different once you are no longer within me, but not terribly so. I will give you my presence and physical contact as long as you need it, and, although you wouldn't believe it now, one day you won't feel the need to be touching me constantly. You will grow so quickly! I want to feel your presence against me and savor it rather than wish it away. These feelings of your movement from within are only the beginning, and that knowledge will make it beautiful for me to have you here in my arms rather than in my womb.

Is it silly for me to wish I could always feel a baby's presence, moving inside me? Maybe so. But it is a feeling that brings such joy and contentedness. What a privilege and a blessing to be able to take part in the miracle of life in this way!

Every Mother, Read This!

If you are a mother and your child has ever done something wrong, you need to read this. Oh, wait, that's every mother whose child is no longer a baby or young toddler? ;)

Seriously, it is good.

Reconciling Expectations with Biological Norms

As I have looked through advertising, books, and media in general on the topic of new babies and parenting, I have developed a critical eye in picking out information that is, shall we say, "sugar-coated" and unrealistic. I volunteer as a breastfeeding support counselor, and so I have to be aware of all things baby-related as I may have a mom come to me with questions, and I like to know what she is talking about if she brings up any topics that are baby-related but not directly breastfeeding-related.

Media in our culture presents us with these ideas of what newborns, babies, and young children are like. Often, these ideas are not based in biology, but rather, cultural expectations. Parents over the past few generations have come to expect certain things of their babies due to these non-biologically imposed ideas. As many first-time parents have not spent much, if any, time at all in observation of babies, they turn to parenting magazines and books, most of these presenting mainstream ideas of how babies "should" be.

So I thought I'd come up with a list of the many expectations that are presented to new parents and how they don't always mesh with biology, with how a "real-life" baby will be. Unfortunately, even with knowledge of what a baby is like biologically, there is still enough pressure to conform to societal norms that many parents will still try to go against these biological norms. We are a society of control, and often parents will feel out-of-control when going along with the biological norms of their babies. If their baby is not doing things "the way the book says they should," then parents can feel betrayed, helpless, out-of-control, and as if they are failing. My wish is that all parents could feel confident that not following the mainstream baby-raising advice won't result in ruin for their children. The biological facts were enough to convince me that society's idea of a "good baby" was not accurate and based more on social norms than biology. I don't know what it is about me that made it so that I don't care about being "different" from the norms as portrayed by the media... if it was, I would share it with the parents who want to follow their instincts and the biology of babies but feel pressured by family, friends, and society in general. Self-confidence is part of it, but there has to be more to it than that, because I was never too terribly self-confident as I was growing up.

So, some of the expectations parents may have based on how babies are presented by our media, and the biological realities which cause frustration when babies fail to meet those expectations:

* Culturally-imposed expectation: Young babies eat every 3 hours and sleep in a crib/bassinette contentedly in between feedings.

Biological reality: Newborns have tiny tummies, about the size of their fists. They need to eat frequently, especially in the early weeks if nursing, in order to get enough milk as well as to ensure that there is an adequate supply of milk in the future. Breastmilk digests quickly by design, to ensure that babies eat often. Breastmilk is the biological norm for feeding infants. Babies also are used to being in constant contact with the mother in her womb. Many babies object to being laid down alone frequently and for long periods. Frequent nursing provies frequent skin-to-skin contact, which babies expect biologically.

*Culturally-imposed expectation: Babies need to learn to be independent, to "self-soothe," and to play on their own. They will become "spoiled" if they don't learn this at a young age.

Biological reality: The American culture sees independence as an important trait in adults, and it seems that has carried over into how we treat children from the beginning of their lives. Many parenting magazines and books portray babies as being able to put themselves to sleep, play with their own toys alone, and sit contentedly in various baby devices. However, babies come into this world more helpless than any other mammal. Even baby apes can cling to their mothers' fur, and our babies can't even do that! Babies' brains do about 90% of their growing in the first three years. New connections are being formed constantly. Science tells us that meeting babies' needs consistently helps with the normal wiring of the brain. Babies who are left to "cry it out" alone, which many parents do in trying to get the baby to "sleep better" (more on "sleeping better" in a moment), experience higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol. High levels of cortisol can be damaging to the baby (reference).

Often, mainstream parenting advice says, "But if you hold your baby every time he starts crying, he will control you." But an infant cannot seek to control anyone. He only knows that he is a social creature who feels "right" when he is being held. His biology dictates that he cry when alone - it is a survival mechanism. True, we don't have to worry about a tiger coming after the baby if we set him down in another room, but he doesn't know that we now live in a civilized society where there is no threat of wild animals! His biological makeup remains the same.

When people advise new parents to get their babies to play independently, this is often presented as "entertaining himself." There are mobiles and crib toys and "baby gyms" for babies who cannot yet pick up and manipulate objects. They cannot even pick things up but are expected to "play" by themselves! This can lead to the over-purchase of multiple baby entertainment devices and toys. The thought behind this is that the parents shouldn't set themselves up as the entertainer of the baby, so they should teach babies to do it independently. But biologically, babies don't need to be "entertained" nor do they need to entertain themselves at a young age! Babies learn best when they are allowed to experience in-arms passive observation. The parent can hold the baby or wear him in a sling as he goes about his daily adult tasks - this does not tie him up in "entertaining" the baby, but it serves a valuable purpose: the baby IS "entertained" by this, and in the process he learns what adults do, what life is all about. He learns how things happen in day-to-day life. He is not the center of attention. More information on this can be found in Jean Liedloff's book, The Continuum Concept. Some information about it, as well as two great articles, can be found here. Another excellent read about biological norms of infants is Our Babies, Ourselves by Meredith Small.

* Culturally-imposed expectation: Babies should be able to sleep through the night at a certain age or milestone (such as by 8 weeks, or as soon as they double their birth weight, for instance).

Biological reality: Babies do not sleep like adults. They are designed to wake frequently as a survival mechanism! Not only do they need to eat frequently, but they need to go through shorter sleep cycles to ensure they do not go into too deep a sleep, which is dangerous for babies. If a baby begins sleeping 8-12 hours straight in the early weeks or months, then he is getting less nutrition and is not stimulating his mother's milk supply as frequently, which can lead to too little milk a few months down the road in many instances. Babies are particularly vulnerable during the first six months (especially 2-4 months) to difficulties in rousing themselves from a deep sleep - they are designed to sleep near an adult, whose breathing regulates theirs and keeps them in a lighter sleep state. This is preventative against SIDS. Biologically, a parent should not want their baby to sleep alone for an 8 hour stretch prior to six months of age! Sleeping long stretches is often seen as a baby sleeping "well" or being "a good sleeper." But biologically, it is actually good for the baby to sleep for short stretches! The question of, "Is he a good sleeper?" is so commonly used, and in the wrong context, in our society. Read more at Dr. McKenna's Notre Dame Sleep Laboratory.

* Culturally-imposed expectation: Babies should sleep in cribs on their backs and alone. This is the only safe way for a baby to sleep.

Biological reality: Again, there is the assumption that "good" sleep is done alone. A baby is often given a quiet, separate sleeping space. But as mentioned above, babies who sleep alongside their parents are better able to regulate their breathing and able to nurse more frequently. Sleeping alone is not safer, yet it is sometimes portrayed this way. A nursing mother sleeping next to her baby will not roll over on him unless she is under the influence of drugs or alcohol or has some sort of severe sleep disorder. This of course does not mean that most babies sleeping alone will succumb to SIDS, nor does it mean that a baby sleeping with its mother will never die from SIDS, but the biological makeup of the mother-baby dyad is such that we were designed to sleep in this way. Babies who sleep alongside their mothers nurse often, keeping them in a lighter sleep state for a prolonged period. Have you heard the suggestion from the American Academy of Pediatrics to put a baby to bed with a pacifier to decrease the risk of SIDS? Biologically, the baby has a "pacifier," the mother's breast, for this very reason! Babies nursing in the night alongside their mother often go from back to side frequently during the night, which not only solves the question of which position to put the baby to sleep in, but it prevents against a relatively new issue of "flat-head syndrome," where a baby develops a flattened spot on the back of his head due to lying on his back all night (and this can be exacerbated by use of car seat, infant swings, and not being carried often in an upright position). Biological norms of infant sleep can alleviate the need for many modern-day devices: cribs, pacifiers, helmets to correct severe flat-head syndrome... Putting babies to sleep alone in a separate room is a relatively new experiment in the history of humankind.

* Culturally-imposed expectation: You need to purchase various baby gear items because they will be used frequently and are essential to raising a baby. Some of these items may include: bucket car seat, stroller, baby swing, exersaucer, jumper, crib, pacifiers, bottles...

Biological reality: Advertisers often push these items as essentials when many babies don't care for them at all (much to chagrin of tired/overwhelmed parents who think the baby gadgets might be the key to saving their sanity, and then the gadgets fail to help - how frustrating!). Because of the expectations we have, we think that babies really will like these items, and that there is something "wrong" with them if they don't! The pressure to buy various things for the baby is deeply ingrained: registry lists, baby showers, ads coming to your mailbox (how do they know you are pregnant or have a new baby??), friends who have these items for their babies... Sometimes it is helpful to have a space to safely set the baby, so these items can have their place. But when over-used, babies are passed from station to station to "entertain" them as a substitute for being in the arms of parents. They are not biologically programmed to expect this. Further, most of these devices are only able to be used for a few months before the baby outgrows them.

* Culturally-imposed expectation: Babies must sleep alone and have to "cry-it-out" in order to learn this necessary skill. If they don't, they will never be able to sleep well and alone.

Biological reality: Babies don't sleep like adults. They go through much shorter sleep cycles, and they wake frequently, as mentioned before, as a survival mechanism, because deep sleep is not safe for infants. All children (unless they actually have a medical condition of some sort) will develop more advanced, adult-like sleep habits as they age. Both of mine did. They both slept in my bed, and then in my room, and both now sleep in another room, all night long, and rarely wake up in the night. They just got to that point, and there was no forcing and training and leaving them to cry. I know others who have had the same experience. As much as magazine articles want us to believe that we are "starting a bad habit" and it will never be able to be broken (does "never" mean a few years, or is it actually literal?), it is simply not the case. The sleep development of a baby or toddler will grow and unfold the same way their development will in any other area: talking, walking, etc. Above, there was a link to a Dr. Sears webpage which listed the potential dangers of the "cry it out" method of sleep "training." This method, which most authors and doctors who do advocate for it will at least say to wait until the baby is six months, has no biological basis. The reason it "works" is because babies just give up. They don't "learn" to sleep "better," they just stop trying to get anyone to respond because they know it is hopeless. Parents sometimes hear that you have to leave a baby to "cry it out" so they will develop "good sleep habits," and they assume this just means to leave the baby, as young as a couple weeks old in some cases, to cry for prolonged periods. They don't realize - or don't want to realize, perhaps - that babies are biologically programmed to be near their mothers, day and night. It is okay to be the "sleep aid" for your baby, and it is natural! Cry-it-out, cribs, "loveys," etc. aren't natural, so why is it sometimes assumed that it is healthier for babies to go to sleep in these ways than it is for their mothers to nurse them or their fathers to lay next to them and rub their backs? In fact, babies who are parented to sleep this way are adaptable to different situations - they don't have to be in their own cribs in their own bedrooms in order to fall asleep, nor do they have to "cry it out" in a strange new environment such as a hotel room. Babies who know mom as the way of going to sleep are much easier to travel with. Travelling with my babies has been a joy (well, except the driving with babies who hate the car seat part! ;).

* Culturally-imposed expectation: Babies need to eat jarred baby food purees before they can begin to eat finger foods. Nutritionally, babies also need rice cereal as their first food.

Biological reality: I have done an extensive post on this in the past. Biologically, babies are designed to be fully sustained on their mothers' milk for at least six months to a year. Only after a year does solid food begin to be needed nutritionally. This does not mean that babies cannot try food prior to a year, but that they don't need much of it for nutrition, and it should not be replacing much of their diet of breastmilk. Spoon-feeding of purees does just this. Purees were designed so babies could eat solids earlier than when they'd otherwise be ready developmentally. Babies who can pick up small bits of foods and put it in their own mouths are in control of their own appetite, and they learn how real food smells, feels, and tastes. Solid foods are about learning in this case, not for filling the baby up and replacing breastmilk. It is as easy to throw a banana in the diaper bag as it is to throw in a jar of baby food and a spoon. And the eating process is easier - the adults can enjoy their own food, modelling social and eating behaviors for the baby, rather than having to feed the baby first and then eat later, once their hands are free. This is the way babies were fed for thousands of years, before baby food was introduced.

* Culturally-imposed expectation: Nursing babies must be weaned actively by their mother or they will never wean on their own and will be "mamas boys (or girls)."

Biological reality: All children wean eventually. I don't think there's a case on record of a teenager who was still nursing, much less an adult! ;) As toddlers get older, mothers do add to the weaning process in a natural way, by asking the child who can understand to wait a few minutes to nurse, for instance. The child gradually finds other things that are interesting, tasty, and comforting. In a natural weaning, there is no horror story of the terribly engorged breasts as is sometimes the case in a more abrupt weaning. There is no lamenting the angry outbursts from the young toddler who doesn't understand why he can no longer nurse. If a mother needs to wean earlier than her child would, it can be done gradually over several weeks so as to minimize these uncomfortable possible side effects. Toddler and preschool-aged nursing is biologically normal: worldwide, the average weaning age is somewhere between 2-4 years, and that is even with our low weaning age averaged in!

* Culturally-imposed expectation: Babies have to be on a schedule.

Biological reality: Babies need to eat when hungry, as was stated previously. There is new evidence that women may have different breast capacities, meaning that some women will have to nurse more often in order for their baby to grow and thrive. Just because so-and-so's neighbor's baby only nurses every three or four hours (and sleeps all night and still weighs a ton!), it doesn't mean this will be the case for all mothers and babies. With scheduling of feeding and sleeping (and even "playing!"), it is often times more frustrating to try to do this in the first place. If the baby won't sleep when it is "naptime," or he "doesn't eat enough" at one feeding and so the mother makes him wait until the next scheduled time to "teach him to eat a full meal," then there can be crying and frustration on all ends! Many pieces of advice say that if you don't get your baby on a schedule, he will "control" you. He needs to be on a schedule so you can "get your life back." But talk about being controlled - how is not being able to leave the house at the expense of "the schedule" going to give a parent a feeling of being "in control" anyway? At some point, the schedule can control the parent. And for the baby who does not conform to a schedule despite his parents' efforts, the result is disappointment, resentment, and feelings of failure. But an infant does not have to be on a schedule. If he wakes at night crying a lot due to illness or teething one night, then letting him fall asleep nursing before "naptime" the next day may be quite beneficial to him. Wearing the baby around in a sling allows him to nurse and nap whenever his body urges him to do so. Now, at some point this does get to the point where an older baby or a toddler can benefit from a sleep schedule, in that he doesn't stay up til midnight one day and go to bed at 7 another day... once an older baby becomes distractable and cannot nap easily on the go, then he may need a set "naptime." But for infants, for babies under six months in particular, a sleep schedule is not necessary. Nursing on a schedule also prevents comfort nursing, which is important to babies, who have a biological sucking instinct and do it for comfort.

* Culturally-imposed expectation: You and your baby must spend face-to-face time playing "learning games" using "learning toys." This is the best use of your time spent interacting, and the rest of the time, baby will be in some device such as a swing or crib.

Biological reality: This is one I have picked up on lately, which the fisher-price ads and Pampers/Huggies parenting newsletters (I mean ads) would lead us to believe... that our babies will suffer developmentally if we don't use learning toys and games with them. Biologically, does a baby need a toy that will spout off the ABCs with the touch of a button? Does a child need to experience learning time in order to learn cause and effect? Biologically, a child will learn best by interacting with his natural environment, by hearing adults speaking (because they are near the adults and not in another part of the house with "learning toys"), by observing life happening around him. Yes, we need to interact with our babies to a certain extent, but this is most naturally done by singing and holding and moving and talking, not by sitting on the floor with some Baby Einstein toy. It has become popular to have learning games and DVDs for babies and toddlers, but biologically, these things are not essential - if they were, would our species have made it this far intellectually?

*Culturally-imposed expectation: Babies and toddlers have to have things "done to" them in order for them to learn independence in acquiring new skills. This includes sleeping, eating, toilet training, and others.

Biological reality: This is one reason why we have so many parenting books and magazines. Our society is such that we can't just leave a child to develop, but we have to do it for him. We have to push, or it will "never happen." I am not sure where this idea came from, but biologically, a baby and young child will sleep alone when ready, will eat when hungry, and will stop soiling himself when he develops to the point of finding it unpleasant and inconvenient. When pushed, there may be resistance, so that it no longer becomes about what the child would have done naturally, but a power struggle. And there are children who may have medical or emotional issues which could slow the normal biological development in these areas, such as a child who has sensory issues and certain foods feel wrong to him, causing him to gag and refuse a variety of foods. In these cases, yes, the children may need some adult interference, but not in a forcing way. For the normally-developing child, he will master all these tasks on his own one day. Toileting, eating, dressing himself, weaning... all he needs is the example of older people around him and his natural development will unfold.

I know that there is a lot of overlap in the areas mentioned above. If there was a specific "child-rearing norm" as presented by the popular culture which I have missed, feel free to comment and let me know. I wrote this list in part as I thought back at my first child's babyhood... how I knew she needed to be close to me, instinctually, yet I felt that I needed her to nap alone. "All babies nap alone," the parenting magazines told me. So why couldn't mine? Why did her eyes fly open and the crying begin as soon as she hit the mattress? And she wouldn't lay contentedly alone, so forget about the "put your baby down to nap when she is drowsy but awake" nonsense! But if only parents knew that this is not normal baby behavior - that they don't just sleep and eat whenever and wherever you want them to and fit conveniently into your pre-baby life as if they aren't there to begin with, like the soap opera I used to watch in high school would lead you to believe (in which the young children and babies would make brief appearances so their parents could acknowledge them and then life would go on as if they didn't exist, because they were "sleeping" or "with the nanny"). New parents would be better off if informed that they don't have to "do" things to their infants, that life will be very different than before children, and that the baby will just learn things as life progresses. No need to get neurotic over it, yet this is what I sometimes felt like in the early days with a baby! So, if any future first-time parent is reading this, know that yes, it will be a difficult adjustment. It is hard to let go of the preconceptions and myths and stereotypes and expectations you may have had ahead of time. Your baby may not make his biological needs known as loudly as others, but then again, he might. Knowing what to expect developmentally and biologically can put you at ease so that your expectations don't rule your new life with baby. And he will grow up - it will happen, and faster than you could know. Certainly faster than I thought it would when my first was a baby... I literally sometimes had the illogical thought that nothing would change, that she would never grow into different ways of sleep, eating, etc. But I learned more and more about what babies need and what they are like biologically, and I let it all go and began to relax and to embrace the closeness with my babies. They will grow up and be gone all too soon.

Shrine of Our Lady of La Leche and the Mission of Nombre de Dios

On our last full day at the beach, we drove into St. Augustine to go to the shrine of Our Lady of La Leche and the Mission of Nombre De Dios. We went last year too, but it was raining really hard then, so we didn't get a chance to walk around the grounds. Above is the little chapel where the statue of Our lady of La Leche is displayed.

Click on the picture to read the sign outside the shrine chapel.

The grounds contain an old cemetery (from the 1800s) which has been adorned with various statues and memorial plaques. I took photos of some of them:

A memorial to all babies killed by abortion

a pretty relief carving of Mary and infant Jesus

This huge stainless steel cross stands on the edge of the water at the back of the property. It is the second tallest freestanding stainless steel structure in the United States... can anyone guess what the tallest is?

These beautiful "Florida trees" were everywhere... many of them had grown with twisted trunks, I'm guessing from the wind...

Sitting on a bench overlooking the water

The girls wanted to sit by this statue of Jesus with some children - "because we're children, too!"

standing with a St. Francis statue

another pretty relief carving

There were paths all throughout the grounds, taking you past all the statuary and grave markers.

Here are the girls outside the chapel... I didn't go in this year because I was too busy spending money in the gift shop, ha ha... It closed at 5 pm and they locked the doors. But I took photos of the inside last year.

This was a really neat part... there were seven of these monuments, each depicting a relief carving of one of the Seven Sorrows of Mary. They were spread out along one of the paths so you could walk along and meditate on them in order. I took a close-up picture of each one that I plan to one day make into a little activity for the girls, like the Stations of the Cross Box that I made.

Caroline noticed some flowers on the ground that had fallen off a vine that was growing up a tall tree. She decided to pick up seven of them and leave one at each spot along the way. I love when they come up with ideas like this on their own - it is so sweet!

Cecilia took a little side trip to chase a squirrel... can you see both of them on the tree?

This reproduction of the Pieta was in a little stone grotto-type thing...

This huge statue is near the water, down a path from the giant cross. The statue is of the first priest to say Mass on the North American continent. His name was Father Lopez... and so was my high school's priest!

The sky was beautiful for these photos of the cross...

Looking up... 208 feet tall!

Here is a view of the area from the parking lot... the water in the foreground is a little river/stream that connects to the water that the big cross is near.

Such a beautiful place!! I am so glad we got to take the time to walk around the grounds this year!