Monday, April 06, 2015

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

It really is, despite how cliche that phrase sounds... although when Tom Petty sings it, you have to agree that he doesn't do a good job at making waiting actually sound hard.  It sounds all laid back and upbeat when he sings it.  It's not really like that, though... it is a true challenge.  I have been waiting each month to see if I am pregnant or not, and it is like a rollercoaster.  Waiting and then being disappointed is emotionally taxing.  I am waiting again, for the third time now since the miscarriage.  That may not seem like much waiting, since apparently the average couple takes between three and six months to get pregnant.  But the longest it has ever taken me before is three months.  And that was just once, the first pregnancy.  In the more recent three pregnancies it has been much quicker... two months being the longest time, and only for the most recent pregnancy.  I will never take my fertility for granted again after this.  It is pretty disheartening when it has always happened so quickly... to have lost a baby and then not be able to conceive again afterward with the same timeliness as is my history.  So this month is like a tipping point for me... after this, it will be longer than it has ever taken me to get pregnant before.  After this, there will be no chance of a baby in 2015.  I hate to sound so pessimistic, but that is the rollercoaster.  A couple days ago, I had high hopes that with this Easter season I would be welcoming new life in our family, yet... today I feel like it won't happen.  I am trying to hold on to hope.  The hope of a baby being due right after the anniversary of the miscarriage and how healing that would be... and not wanting to be disappointed.  Then the thoughts creep in like how many people might say I already have "enough" kids and should be grateful for the ones I have already... or the idea that maybe I'm really not doing the best job with the kids I do have, so why should I get to have another... it is tiring to wait and then be let down, and then do it again... and maybe again and again and...?  I know I am so blessed with the children I do have.  I know there are families who have lost multiple children, who have lost babies after birth and beyond, and I know my trial is nothing compared to that, nor is it anything to those who have tried for years to conceive.  Yet it is difficult for me due to my history.  I feel like perhaps I should have been open to a new pregnancy much sooner, and maybe that is the lesson I am learning: that I am not in control and to be more relaxed in accepting life as a gift from God, whenever it happens, rather than when I feel totally "ready."  Because really, when is anyone ever 100% "ready" to have a baby?  It is just what life is about... living and growing and welcoming new human beings to the world, a promise that the world will go on!

Please say a prayer for me if you are so inclined, that I can endure the waiting patiently, that I can stay positive in hope, and that I can face whatever answers I am given in this journey towards the hope of another baby.  Easter is a season of joy, and I am trying to remember and focus on that.

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